


The Talk

by TeamGallifreeWill



Series: A Touch of Normal [4]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Cute, Destiel - Freeform, F/M, Missing Scene, Past Relationships, Wait for it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-25
Updated: 2018-04-25
Packaged: 2019-04-27 22:50:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14435829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeamGallifreeWill/pseuds/TeamGallifreeWill





	The Talk

 

 

“Hey,” Alexa says, “I’m really glad to be here.”

“Me too. I was worried I messed things up.”

“Same. I didn’t want to leave like that, but staying would have been worse I think.”

“Why? How could it have been worse?”

Alexa sighs, “lets go somewhere else for this talk instead of standing in the hallway.”

“Kitchen?”

“Sure,” they pass by the closed door of Dean’s room. Reaching the kitchen Alexa heads straight for the fridge and takes out the remaining bottles of beer, setting them on the table. She opens one for herself and sits down across from Sam. “How’s your shoulder?”

“It’s fine, probably don’t even need the sling anymore, thanks by the way for, uh, wrapping it. You know what you’re doing.”

“Damn straight I do. You should listen to me more often,” she winks.

“I should,” they lapse into an easy silence. “I’m sorry I don’t know how to do this.”

“What exact is this anyway? I’m not sure I know how to do it either.”

“Um, well, I guess it’s us figuring out what we expect from each other?”

Alexa nods, “okay, and why do we need to have this discussion, yet I don’t need to have it with Dean or Cas?”

 _Damn she’s good._ He takes a long pull of his bottle, “probably because there’s no question about what you are to them.” He looks at his bottle instead of her, maybe something stronger is needed.

“So what am I to you Sam?”

He looks up at her through his lashes, “I don’t know.”

Thinking back to what Dean had said she knows she has to ask at some point, “Do you know what you want me to be?”

Sam lets out a long sigh and gets up from the table, he walks out leaving Alexa to think she asked too soon. He returns in a minute though with a bottle of something a bit stronger than beer. “Thought we could use this with this, talk,” he says setting the bottle of bourbon on the table then gets two glasses. It’s another minute before he sits and answers her, “and yes.”

“Okay, should I ask what that is yet?"

“Come on Lex don’t make me say it.”

“I have an idea. And if I’m right, then I’m sorry,” she stops when she hears him scoot his chair back. She looks up as his head rests in his hands. Taking a deep breath she continues, “but I can’t do that right now. I just don’t want to assume anything and get hurt or hurt you, and we don’t really know each other anymore. To just assume you’re the same is insane and foolish.”

“But what if you assumed right?”

“That’s not possible.”

“It could be,” he challenges her. “We could very well want the same things. We could be the same people we were back then. Yes things happened to us, but maybe together we could change back.”

“I don’t want to change back Sam. Back then I was young and stupid, I thought I was so smart but I was so blind to everything that’s really out there. And I didn’t even know that my boyfriend was fully capable of hunting those things. I couldn’t defend myself like I can now, I wasn’t as strong.”

“Ok, but that stuff doesn’t make you who you are. Dean and I went through hell, and when Cas pulled him out he said he still had one of the brightest souls he had ever seen. After our lives, and after spending 40 years in hell.”

 _That’s not even the same thing, well, not exactly._ “Who uses the example of their brother actually being pulled out of Hell by an angel to prove a point? I feel, no,” she takes a calming breath and starts again, “what do you want Sam? Do you still want to be a regular lawyer with the white picket fence life, ignoring all of the good you do, to be ‘normal’?” She air-quotes.

Immediately Sam thinks of all the hurt he’s been through. All the pain he’s caused. But then he thinks of all the good. How he and his brothers are legends. How he’s able to say and do things that no one else can. Saving people, hunting things, the family business. How it’s just that; his entire family’s life work. How this is where he wants to stay. “No.”

“Exactly. You’re a hunter. A man of letters. A hero,” he looks up at the last part. “How can you expect me to want to give up the chance to be that too? I feel like I have a purpose now Sam. I thought it was a curse that first year. I didn’t understand. But then I helped someone for the first time instead of running away, and that was it.”

“But that doesn’t mean I want to be lonely, or have every relationship be a side effect of this life. Or to have those same relationships taken from me because of this life. “I lost you because of this life, I found and lost Jess, Sarah, Ruby, Amelia, just about every friend I’ve ever made in my life, Becky, Eileen.”

“Sam, we’ll get back to all those names later, but listen, what if you were never meant to have one or the other. You don’t have to give up this,” she holds out her arms to indicate the bunker and his hunter life, “to have a relationship and a family. I know a lot of people that are happily married or with someone, and still hunt. I know people who are raising children who go to school, have friends, aren’t moving constantly. It does happen. What happened to you and Dean wasn’t fair or normal, but that doesn’t mean you have to repeat the same mistakes. You can and deserve to be happy more than just about anyone I know, because the three of you are incredible heroes and good men,” her voice betrays her at the end and cracks as a tear rolls down her cheek.

“Lex, come here,” he goes to get up but she’s in his lap before he can. He kisses the top of her head. “I’m sorry. Like I said I don’t know how to do this.”

She sniffles and stands up. “I know,” she pours herself a glass of the dark liquor. Taking her seat again, she looks up, “it’s not like I’m exactly a shining example of healthy hunter relationships either. The reason we reunited was because someone I went out with shot me. Before that it wasn’t exactly an all-star lineup either,” she leans back in her chair and stares up at the ceiling.

“What do you want? Do you know who I am to you?” Sam gently asks.

“I don’t want to be lonely either Sam, no one does. But I don’t want to put a feeling that was there, or that I want to be there, to something where it’s not.”

"I don’t know if I’ve had too much of this already or not enough, because I understood that. Or maybe it’s just because I know you,” he smirks.

“Sam, I know what you’re trying to do. And it’s not going to change my decision.” his smirk falls.

“Then I don’t know what else there is to ask. except, “ he pauses, “possibly the almost last thing then?”

She arches a brow at him to continue, “about the motel, you and I. If I hadn’t hit my shoulder and ruined the moment would we have,” he stops himself.

“You’ve had too much Sam,” she shakes her head.

“Come on, you even said it felt good,” he teases.

“Nope. Not having that discussion. Next question.”

“Fine, then how do we do this?” he points between them. “Now correct me if anything I say is wrong, yeah?” she nods, “Ok, so we both have some sort of feeling towards the other, that is not purely platonic, but you’re not ready to be in a relationship. You’re also not ruling out the possibility of a relationship, just being cautious. Right so far?”

Suddenly not trusting where this is going she unsuridly agrees, “I guess?”

“So then I propose this,” he shoots back the rest of his glass, “we go about our normal days, and not talk about that feeling, unless it changes. We see what happens. I’m not even asking you out. I’m saying we go on hunts, we work as equals and friends, nothing more.”

Still suspicious of his plan, “okay lawyer boy, so you’re saying you’ll treat me like you would treat Dean or Cas? We just ignore it?”

“Yep,” Sam says proudly.

“That’s stupid,” Alexa responds coldly. “We can’t just ignore it. That’s what we’ve been doing so far and look where that got us. We stay in our own heads like that and aren’t getting the other’s thoughts.”

“So you want to go out?”

“No.”

“Then what? Weekly check ins? ‘Hey Alexa, how’s that research coming? You love me yet? No ok, cool, check in next week. Ok. Yeah just send Dean the address.’ That’s not going to work either.”

“Why do you have to complicate everything Winchester? I just want to go about the day normally, but somehow not ignore the feeling, but also not be in a relationship.”

“And I’m the one complicating things?”

“Oh shut up. Fine this entire situation is complicated.” they sit in silence a few minutes. Alexa finishes her glass and takes her hair down running her fingers through it. The result is a perfect mess that makes Sam forget he’s supposed to be ignoring, but not, this feeling.

“Ok. New proposal,” he braves.

“I’m listening.”

“Normal days, not forcing anything, seeing what happens, but, if a moment happens we don’t stop it unless we get uncomfortable. Like in the motel, you were comfortable kissing me, so is that something we can,” is as far as he gets.

“No.”

“Okay, scratch that part then, but the point still stands. If we get to a point we want to try something more, we’re on the same page to go for it. If we want to go out with someone else, we don’t have to ask permission, but we know that it’s not going to betray the other either.

“That seems reasonable,” she hesitates asking her next question. “So even if we’re not a couple, do we go over our past relationships now? I’m a bit confused. Like it’s part of our past, but also something a bit more private.”

Sam thinks a minute, “I say yes. That way we have a better understanding of the other in that sense. Like if one of our partners always did something we hated, then we would try to avoid doing it, or know why the other was upset, right?”

“Ok, you first? You seemed to come up with those names pretty easily there.”

Sam blushes, “uh, yeah, do we include each other? I kinda want to know how you really felt about us, and what happened, if I’m being honest.”

“I can handle that I think. So go ahead, include me. And these are only like actual relationships right? Or at least real feelings?”

“Yeah, so I guess um, you’re the first then. Like I said growing up we never stayed in one place long so yeah I had crushes and the whole first kiss and stuff, but nothing that turned into a real relationship. Then you, you were everything I wanted. It was easy to be with you, we worked, we wanted the same things, I was happy. I felt I had made the right choice to leave Dad and Dean, even after meeting your family. And that was scarier than a wendigo,” they both laugh before he continues. “I was scared that if I went with you for Christmas that I would end up proposing. I knew it was too fast, I thought it was just because it was my first love that I was jumping the gun. I planned on calling Dean after you got there and tell him about you, but I never got the chance when you didn’t answer I started panicking. And then I did hear about,” he just sort of shakes his head like he’s trying to erase the memory, “and it broke me. In those few short months I went from having everything to nothing. I didn’t know what to do, so I hung out with Brady, and he eventually convinced me to meet his friend Jess,” he stops.

Alexa doesn’t move. It doesn’t even look like she’s breathing. Then she looks at him. Her eyes are wells of tears waiting to be pushed over the edge. She blinks and they fall. “I know I said you should go first, but I just felt like you should hear my side of us before you go on.” he nods for her to continue. “So much of that is the same. You were everything I ever wanted and some I never thought of. Being with you made me happier than anything had before. It was SO easy, I’ve tried to figure out when we became a serious couple and I still can’t to this day, it just happened. We were great together. I didn’t understand why you didn’t want to come to Christmas with me, but I figured it was too fast too, because if you had come with me, and had proposed, I would have said yes. But when I got there, I lost everything. I instantly knew I lost you because I wanted to save you from that. Every time you called I fought with myself to not pick up. I don’t know how I survived that, but I always thought it was because I was too numb to even feel motivated enough to end the pain. I didn’t feel whole anymore. And it wasn’t because of losing my family.” Somehow Sam has moved to kneel in front of her without her knowing, he wraps his arm around her shoulders and pulls her to his chest, they both let each other grieve their previous relationship in a new way. After a few minutes they pull away and wipe their faces.

“Sorry,” Alexa says.

“Don’t, you have nothing to apologize for. Throughout my life, people have commented on how I’m so much like my dad. I thought they were crazy, but it turns out they were kinda right. When things happen, I tend to get angry, to become the one obsessed and selfish. But everyone sees me as the smart and sensitive one on the outside. Dean’s the complete opposite. He uses those things to mask how much he’s hurting. He makes the lame jokes and makes fun of himself to hide the fact that he’s actually one of the smartest people I know. It’s all about image a lot of times, but here, in the bunker, when we’re just us, we don’t have to be anything but that, just us. So don’t apologize, because you are one of the smartest, bravest, and badass women I know,” he smiles.

“Thanks Sam,” she wipes her face again and presses the somewhat still cold beer bottle to her flushed skin. “Now tell me about your rebound from me,” she winks.

He takes a minute for him to collect himself, “right, so a few months after you, left, Brady introduced me to Jess. She was funny, wanted to be a nurse, cute, she ticked all the boxes, right? But it was two more months before I even asked her out. I didn’t ask her until I had used everything I knew how to, to track you down. Like I said, I get a little obsessed, but when I couldn’t find anything I got mad, at you, for leaving me. I had this feeling that you were out there, but I couldn’t find you. I decided to ask Jess out as some weird revenge. Then it felt normal, again, we found a routine together, fell in love, I thought ‘ok. This is what its supposed to be like. Not some intense first love, those never last’. We moved in together, was about to interview for grad school, and then Dean broke into our place saying Dad had been missing for a few days. I went with him, and then, when we got back, she, um, she died in the fire. I ran from everything. Especially a relationship, but after only about 5 months I met this girl Sarah on a case, she was badass and cute. She was so much like you. Art dealer, so instantly I started thinking about you. Dean thought the whole time I was upset about Jess, I just didn’t correct him. We had a few moments nothing serious. I think I was falling for you again instead of actually seeing Sarah. The next one wasn’t until Ruby, nothing really happened until Dean went to Hell. She got me addicted to Demon blood and yeah, not exactly the best choice, but I guess something was there. It was probably just guilt that she gave up her life for us, well vessel, but then Dean killed her. Madison, she was another, tried to be normal feeling, she ended up being a werewolf and I had to put her down. Becky, you remember was the fan that love potioned me,” he takes a break to stretch his back.

“Your shoulder hurting?”

“Nah, just back’s getting a little stiff from sitting.”

“We’re getting old Sam. who’d have thought?,” she laughs. He’s about to but is hit with an image of her with starting to grey hair, still badass and sharp, and doesn’t. _Damn, so screwed._

“So I guess That leaves Amelia and Eileen. Amelia was the vet I moved in with when Dean and Cas were in purgatory. Again, I wanted to leave the life and just be normal. She was that, but she had also lost someone, her husband in the war, so she didn’t look at me with,” Alexa interrupts him.

“That look.”

“Exactly. She would do normal things like surprise me on my birthday, and it felt so weird to me. I couldn’t get used to it. Eventually we had a pretty good thing, her dad came to visit and he was almost scarier than yours, but I told him my dad was a marine and that seemed to smooth things over. Until she got a call saying that her husband wasn’t actually dead, and was coming home. So I was just sort of a stand in.”

“Oh sweetie, I’m sorry.”

Sam ignores it and continues, ”Finally there was Eileen. Met her on a banshee case, she was actually deaf and took me by surprise. She was a hunter, and totally capable on her own. I got a crush pretty quick and thought there could be something more there, but then the British Men of Letters had her killed.” Alexa can see that Sam’s still a bit angry about that and doesn’t push. He stands and pours another glass. Before he asks Alexa about her love life, he drinks half of it, “so you?”

“Right, well there was you which we went over. Then there was Ryan, probably about 8 or 9 months after, you know, and I so wasn’t interested at first, but it was during a time I was building cash, so I kept running into him,” she smiles at a memory of something before continuing. “I agreed. He was sweet, what any girl would want, good job, brought me random flowers, date nights, we actually went to a block party. It was nice, so I went along with it. Longer than I should have, I know, but I was tired; I’d never been on my own that long and it’s really hard to stay fake dead. Being with Ry was a good break, but I lead him on too long. He started talking about moving in and then ‘seeing what happens’. Suddenly instead of asking me how my day was over dinner, he’d ask what kind of schools I grew up going to, and if I thought kids would be better in city or suburb schools,” she pauses.

“Wow,” is all Sam says.

“Yeah, it was a lot. I was so not ready for that. Especially when every time, I would think about it being you asking me those things,” she looks away when she realizes what she let slip.

“Oh. So?”

“Yeah, I wasn’t exactly over you.”

He pretends to be nonchalant, “I was just asking what you did next,” he breaks and smiles.

“Shut up Dork, you’re an ass,” she laughs.

“Nerd, now we know that you can’t get over me,” he boasts, “what happened?”

“I said ‘yet’ and I told him it was too fast and broke up with him. And then left town.”

“Ouch.”

“Yeah, after Ryan I started um, no strings for a while. Then I met Mike. He was everything wrong for me, but really hot. He was not a good choice but I was starting to get lonely. This was about 3 years later now? Yeah would’ve had to have been. Anyway, so everything between us was intense, fighting and making up, that was basically all we did. We’d fight, I’d leave, come back, make up until the next fight, then he’d walk away, over and over again. We were on and off for for a few months until one time I walked out and never went back,” she stops.

“Good. He sounds like an asshole. You should’ve stayed away the first time,” he says angrily.

“Yeah, I didn’t stay away because I came to my senses. I stayed away because I was abducted by Angels.”

“Oh.”

“Exactly, I don’t really get the credit on that one. But um, I guess Cas really did save me, apparently when I left he hooked up with someone and then ended up killing her.”

“Shit,” and then it hits him, “wait, after the angels you were going to go back to him! How could you possibly think, no you weren’t were you?” this time the anger is directed at her.

“Sam,” she aims at his pacing figure. “Sam, listen, I wasn’t in a good place then. I couldn’t control any emotion I had. It would go from 0 to 100 in an instant without warning. I was just as much to blame in the relationship with Mike as he was. After the angels, I wanted to go to someone. All of my top choices who I wanted to go to were dead, or so I thought,” she holds his eyes for a moment, “I even prayed to Cas before trying to call him. But even that didn’t work out. I was completely alone.”

“Wait, you would’ve known Bobby by then, you could’ve gone to him,” he sits back down.

“I went to the cabin. So he did help, but I couldn’t bring that to him. He had enough to deal with with you boys and the apocalypse. Like I said when we went over this time before, I laid low, I didn’t bother anyone.”

“You isolated yourself. That’s not healthy,” she bulks at his words. “What?”

“Says the boy that ran off from everyone and hooked up with a demon who got him addicted to demon blood.”

“I had just seen my brother ripped to shreds by a hellhound.”

“And I had just been captured and tortured by angels,” she retorts before he can go any further. “Up until then I had been doing the same thing as you. I was trying to find this ‘normal’ life in what was very much no longer a normal world for me. I kept things from them, I kept them away from it or tried to get out all together, but it didn’t work. Eventually I stopped fighting it and gave in. I was in the life and wasn’t going to find normal anymore.”

“How, how did you become so ok with it?”

“I got tired,” she subconsciously rubs her forearm, the long sleeves covering the scars underneath. “It was so much work and effort to find balance when there wasn’t a need for it. I had no one to find balance for so why keep trying? I just went hunter full-time.”

"But,” he tries to find an argument. “You should’ve called Bobby. Met up with us. We could’ve helped each other.”

“No Sam. I wasn’t ok then. I told you. I needed to be alone. I told you that I got close to no one. People didn’t even know my name. I threw myself into cases instead.”

“You did that to yourself didn’t you?” he nods to her arm. “I get it, you know. I’ve been there. All of us have.”

“What can I say? I was good with blades. Am good.”

“Stop it,” he scolds. “Don’t do that. Don’t make light of it, you shouldn’t have been alone, I’m sorry.”

She stops him and pulls up her sleeve, somberly she traces one of the lines with her finger “each one is for someone I lost.”

Sam takes her hand and pulls it towards him, “There’s six lines here. I assume three are your parents and Dani?” he looks at her questioning.

“Yeah,” she says weakly.

He traces another line, “me?” she nods. “Who’re the other two?

Alexa points to another line, “Cas,” then to another, “and Nick.”

“Cas, really?”

She nods, “he did more for me than I realized at the time, and hell, even more than I knew when I did this. I figured if he was willing to sacrifice himself for me I could at least always remember him somehow.”

Sam nods in respect of the decision and then braces himself a bit, “and Nick?”

“About 5 years after Cas released me, God I hate saying that, it makes him sound so terrible,” she lets out a small laugh sound, not able to bring herself to actually laugh. “But um, I was out on a case helping a group when we met. He,” she smiles, “he was kinda perfect actually.”

“I’m sorry,” Sam says as he lets go of her hand to sit back in his seat. She’s not sure if he’s sorry about Nick or holding her hand. Clearing his throat, “was he normal?”

“Not in the slightest. He was in the group of hunters I was helping. We flirted a bit throughout the case but then when we wrapped up he asked me out. I told him I couldn’t and left. A few days later I got an email with a subject of ‘urgent help’. I open and it’s him asking me out again. Again I turned him down. It happened a few more times until a couple months later I was on a case and he never told me how, but somehow he found out I was there and I was about to go after this angel when he just shows up. Completely ruining the plan of course, and just goes ‘we live and you owe me a date’ and then runs in,” she pauses to laugh. “So I of course run in after him, take out the angel, and then he goes ‘ok, that was hot, since you saved me I guess I owe you the date. Well agreed. I’ll go out with you. Now good?”

Even Sam has to laugh, “sounds like something Dean would do.”

“It was completely ridiculous, I almost agreed to it.”

“But you didn’t? I’m starting to feel bad for this guy now,” he laughs.

“His way of asking me out kept getting more and more outrageous too. Eventually I gave in to avoid further embarrassment.”

“What’d he do?” Sam asks intrigued.

“I was in this town saving up again, one night I got bored and decided to hustle pool. So I’m there sizing up the marks and I can see someone sit down next to me out of the corner of my eye, but not their face.”

“Nick?”  
  
“Yep. With the classic line of ‘we really need to stop running into each other like this’. I told him to leave me alone, and he gets a little louder ‘what’re you doing here?’ it gets the attention of the bartender, but he quickly brushes it off. Then even louder ‘you didn’t come home I was worried’, and he just keeps going. Eventually he’s got the attention of the whole bar, and yells ‘but what about little Anna and Patrick, they miss their momma’,” Sam busts out laughing. “Exactly. I drag him out of the bar and can’t stop laughing. When I do he just goes ‘one chance, please’ and I agreed. We went right from there to this little bistro, complete opposite of what I was expecting. He was smart, obviously funny, could do this thing where he’d go from so incredibly handsome to 5 year old in an instant. I wanted to try with him. It felt so foreign to me at that point though I didn’t know what to do. I was afraid I’d mess it up and started to pull away. He didn’t let me. The night I was going to break up with him, as soon as I walked in he told me to sit, and told me he’s not buying that I feel differently and all that, that we have something. He made me talk, told him what happened, well most of it, and when we were done it was morning and he asked me to move in,” she clears her throat.

“Did you?”

“I did. We lived together for about 6 months, continued hunting, it was the happiest I’d been in a really long time.”

“You loved him,” Sam’s kind of in awe.

“So much more than I should have,” she smiles, but Sam can see the sadness behind it. Like I said I said though, six months. He got asked to help some others on a case. I didn’t think anything of it because it’s what we did. I helped with research, occasionally the fighting, he helped with the fighting, and sometimes we’d go on one together. He called when he got there and said they were acting odd, that he was thinking of just turning around and coming back, but he’d see if he could help first. The next day he said the was a girl and he asked me to come up and help because it seemed more of my skill set.”

“Angel?” Sam interrupts.

Instead of answering she continues, “when I got there two of the three others were already dead, the third had Nick on his knees, an angel blade to his throat. She told me to help them or she would kill him. Nick was telling me not to, it was a trap. She tells me they just want revenge on the one that cast them out,” Sam interrupts again.

“They wanted Cas?” he knows the answer but for some reason can’t stop the question.

“Nick kept fighting, but then started saying an exorcism, I was distracted and didn’t catch it until it was too late. She takes the blade away from his neck, he tells me he loves me, and then she swings down. I went a little crazy. I don’t know if she was demon or angel or what she wanted. I didn’t want answers. I didn’t care. I stayed long enough to burn them, then ran again.”

Sam is up and pulls her to him, “I’m so sorry baby,” Alexa knows that his ‘baby’ is his equivalent of her ‘sweetie’. She pulls away from his chest and he brushes some hair from her face and leaves his hand on her cheek. She leans into the touch. “Coffee?” she nods.

“Be right back,” she gets up and walks out.

Sam uses the moment to process a little. Slumping back against the counter he runs a hand down his face and lets out a breath, his eyes going wide. He takes out his phone to check the time. It’s only midnight, but he already knows he’s not sleeping tonight. _Maybe some more bourbon instead of the coffee for the rest of this. But how many more boyfriends could she have. Nick was, what? 4 years ago. I guess she could have like oh god, 8 more if serious means like 6 months, but she wouldn’t go right from one to the next, so probably less._ While he’s lost in thought, he doesn’t hear her come back in.

“Hey. Sam? You ok?” he hears the concern but sees her red puffy eyes, and flushed face, and worries about her more.

“Huh? Yeah. sorry, just, uh, lost in thought.”

She studies him a minute, “You’re wondering how many more boyfriends I had aren’t you?”

Fully in shock he stares at her, “how do you do that?”

She laughs, “spoilers. Now pour me a cup and sit. Don’t worry though, you already kinda know about the next one, and he doesn’t really count, but he’s gonna be like a bonus for you. Then the final just give you an idea of where I am now.”

Her brings over two cups before taking his chair again. _I can handle two._

“Alright, so the next one, I’m mainly telling you because it ended really well for me,” she winks. “I was on a case and needed info from this guy, but the only way I could do that was to agree to a date.”

“Only way? Really?” Sam asks suspiciously.

“Yes. It was the easiest way and believe me, Matt was someone I didn’t want to hang out with more than I had to. So I do the whole FBI only in town for a day thing, we go out, he gives me the info, great. Well then a few days later I end up back in the town just passing through, and I run into him at a gas station. He insists that we have to go out again since I’m back in town, I tell him no that I have to get going to another case. He mentions something about the case I was working so I agree only to find out what he knows. He does end up being helpful so if I was in town I’d see if he had info. About two months ago, I come across an old picture I had taken of someone, well, a couple people actually, and I decide to actually call someone I hadn’t heard from in a while. But I can’t get reach him so I start calling some of the other numbers he gave me to try. Eventually someone picks up though. Well, then Matt calls me saying he has something again so I went. He was wasted already, wanted to hook up, and wasn’t happy when I turned him down. He um, tried choking me until I rolled him off, then I ran to my car for my blade but he caught me before I could get it,” Sam’s hands are clenched and his jaw is tightened, but he doesn’t say anything. “I manage to overpower him and start to get up, but before I can he pulls out a gun and shoots. I make it back to my car and grab my blade. I turn right as he comes up behind me and end up stabbing him. As soon as he falls I get in the car, tie a shirt around me, and head to the cabin. I make it inside and don’t know what happened until I wake up, without a gunshot wound anymore. I come down the stairs and there’s someone that’s in the kitchen who’s definitely not the grumpy old man I planned on seeing.”

He knows she’s trying to lighten the mood so he tries too, although not easily, “he’s still a grumpy old man too though.”

Alexa smiles, “you ok over there?”

“I, yeah, I mean you’re here, safe, I know that’s what matters, but, how are you not pissed telling that story?”

“Because I’m not anymore. Once I accepted that you and Cas were real and I hadn’t died, I didn’t care about some asshole. He’ll get what he deserves.”

He tenses and turns to her, “what city did you say this was?”

“I didn’t because you’re not going to go after him. Apparently I still had pretty good aim even with blood loss, he was in the hospital for a week.”

“Should’ve killed him.”

“Sam. Stop it,” she walks over and stands in front of him, placing her hand under his chin she makes him look at her. “Like you said, all that matters is that I’m here and I’m safe,” she leans down and give him a quick kiss on the cheek. “Besides, how can I be angry when it gave me back things I thought I’d never see again?”

He lets out a deep breath and closes his eyes. When he opens them again the rage is gone, and he nods, “you sure had a weird way of showing you were happy that day.”

“Yeah, well, it took someone to help me,” she lets out a yawn.

“You wanna head to bed?”

“No, one more, remember?”

 _I was hoping to forget._ “Yeah, but that could’ve waited.”

“No it’s short. Only lasted one day.”

“That good huh?”

“Oh he was special. So I go on a food run the day after the rugaru, just leggings and a sweatshirt.”

“One of my favorite looks on you,” he flirts and wraps his hands around her hips. He can’t help but smile when she doesn’t pull away.

“Yeah well, I notice this guy following me so I start getting edgy. Then he comes up behind me and he’s just a normal guy. He’s cute, blue eyes that would rival Cas’s,” o _r your’s_ Sam thinks, “and this smile, and for some reason I agree to go out with him. I’m telling you, I almost had Jody do an exorcism just to be sure, but then it’s like something short circuits in my brain. I realize that I have no idea how to date a normal guy anymore. With Nick it didn’t matter from the beginning. But someone 100 percent normal? Clueless. So I finally decide on something to wear and he comes to pick me up. Now the deal for this date was that I pick an outfit, and he takes me somewhere based on what I picked.”

“Damn,” Sam says.

“What?”

“That’s a really good move, I’ll have to remember it,” she slaps his arm and sits on his leg.

“Uh huh, well he ends up taking me to a bookstore.”

“Oh no,” he interrupts again.

“What now?”

“Did he leave you there because you couldn’t decide on something?” he laughs.

“No actually, one of his friends tried it with a girl and they’re now married or something. But what you do, is you pick three books, for any reason, then you exchange them, read the first page of each one you’re given, and then you have something to discuss over dinner,” Sam looks intrigued by the idea and she keeps going. “So I pick mine fairly quickly, and then we exchange them.”

“What’d you pick?” Sam asks.

“Pride and Prejudice, Dracula, and Moby Dick,” she’s interested to hear what he has to say about the choices.

Sam nods, thinking, “You love Pride and Prejudice. Do you still go all proper after reading it or anything english?” she laughs and nods. “Always loved that. Then Dracula, great book, also gives a clue to your secret life. But, why Moby Dick? You hate that book.”

“Exactly! It’s my test book. If you actually read it and like it I think there’s something wrong with you and don’t trust you. If you don’t read it and can only quote me ‘call me Ishmael’ I’m gonna judge you hardcore, and then I know you’re sane if you read it and hated it like me,” she smiles proudly.

Sam just shakes his head, “And the three books he gave you?”

“Odd Thomas,” Sam nods, “Good Omens,” his smile falters and only gives a short nod, “and  a Supernatural book.”

“What?”

“Yep. He honestly picked a book about you for me to read.”

“Which one? Why did he choose it? Did he know? The others too, they’re a bit weird.”

She places a hand on his shoulder, “Breathe. It’s ok though, I kinda had the same freakout. His reasoning was because the one made a good movie, the second was and I quote ‘kinda cool how they made a demon and angel hang out like normal people’, and then the third, the supernatural one, he picked up randomly because he saw I was already done.”

“Oh god. So he’s an idiot?”

Alexa laughs, “yes. The night got worse after that. But he bought me this and I made sure to grab it before I ran from the car,” she holds up the book and Sam’s eyes widen.

“Did you?” is all he gets out before she starts nodding.

"That,” she points to the book, “became my main concern of the night. I read the first page and it quickly turned into ten before he got bored of watching me read about you and Dean. So then when I got back to Jody’s I finished it.”

“I guess I’m not seeing why you told me this, besides the random introduction to the Winchester Gospel, seriously, I didn’t even know there were still copies out there.”

“Because, I tired, but while trying to find an outfit I could only think about when I was getting ready for our first date. Then when he told me the date idea I kept thinking about how much you would have loved it. When he brought me those books, I was dumbfounded. He legit handed me a book about you. All through dinner he kept getting worse and more annoying, and all I wanted to do was continue reading more and more. The drive back was awkward, and he tried to kiss me. I might’ve thrown up in my mouth a little at the thought. Nothing about him was what I wanted.”

Not sure he’s reading it right Sam asks, “what did you want?”

“To be home. To not read about you and Dean, but to live it with you. To have you back in my life again.”

He rests his forehead on her shoulder and gives her arm a small kiss, “it’s really hard not to kiss you right now.”

“I know, I wasn’t really thinking about that being a result. I’m sorry.”

“So I take that as a no.”

“That’s why this whole discussion started remember? We’re not denying there’s something there, it’s just I’m not ready to face what that something is yet.”

“Right,” he clears his throat, “nother cup?”

“No, I think I’ll head to bed now,” she says getting up.

“Yeah, I probably should too. Night.”

“Night Sam,” she gives the top of his head a kiss and walks out

* * *

 

 

Sam waits a minute before he lets out his groan. Then he hears footsteps. Looking up he sees Dean walk in.

“You ok there Sammy?”

“Not really, but I think I will be.”

Dean gives him a strange look, “okay,” he sits down taking the seat Alexa was in. “Spill.”

“Alexa and I.”

“Sammy.”

“You asked Dean, so I’m telling. We just had the talk.”

“Which talk?”

“The she’s not ready for a relationship talk.”

“You knew that though Sam.”

“But after the motel, I thought, I was wrong I guess.”

“Sammy, I know you had a moment, or whatever, then, but if she’s not ready she’s not ready. What did she say?”

“She’s not denying there’s something there, but she’s not ready to face what that something is yet.”

“Ouch, but at least you didn’t get friendzoned?”

“That’s basically what this is Dean, I know what that something is.”

Dean’s not fully listening, and picks up the book, “What the hell?”

“Yeah, a keepsake of the date she went on a couple weeks ago. The guy randomly picked it up.”

“So you’re mad she went on a date, just not with you?”

“No Dean, I’m upset because I want to be with her and can’t. All I can think about right now is how I want to go to bed with her next to me, but I can’t. Although I also want to somehow make up for the pain she’s been through, hate that she had to watch a guy she loved get killed on a hunt, and how I want to rip the guy that shot her apart with my bare hands.”

“How do you know,” then he gets it, “you had the ex talk didn’t you?”

“Yes,” he says grumpily.

“Man, that is never a good talk, but it usually means good things.”

“What’re you talking about Dean?”

“Dude, think about it. When you’re dating a girl, when do you have the ex talk?”

“I don’t have the ex talk Dean, neither do you.”

“Oh I’ve had the ex talk. Albeit, it was a short one, but it happened. And it wasn’t until the relationship was serious; When you’re comfortable enough to lay it on the table and say ‘here’s the past relationships and why they didn’t work, I’m willing to try again though’. Did you have it with Amelia? Or Eileen?”

“Amelia’s wasn’t totally honest, and never got to with Eileen.”

Dean nods, “were you honest with Alexa?”

“Of course.”

“How’d she take it?”

Sam thinks, “really well actually.”

“And I see you’re not handling her side so well. Why? Maybe she’s not the only one that shouldn’t be rushing into something, but is the only one that recognizes it.”

“Jerk.”

Dean smiles knowing he’s won the non-argument, “night Bitch. Hey Cas came home by the way.”

“He in the library?”

“Nah, we’re catching up on Dr. Sexy. Just came in for some snacks and drinks.

Sam is still sitting at the table, “I still can’t believe you got him into that show,” he says slowly shaking his head.

“Can I help it if he has good taste?” Dean says as he walks back to his room.

“Night Dean,” Sam smiles as he’s left alone. Thinking over everything he suddenly feels tired. Walking down the hall he passes Cas’s room, the door slightly open. He glances in and sees them laying in his bed. He doesn’t hear what it was, but Dean laughs easily and relaxed at something Cas says. He gives his brothers a fond smile and continues down the hall. He stops in front of his door, the fact that it’s also in front of Alexa’s door, is totally coincidental. He wants to knock, see if she needs anything, but he doesn’t. He turns away and goes into his room.

 

Laying in bed he thinks back over the conversations he had with Alexa and Dean. Then he thinks of seeing how comfortable Dean was with Cas. _They’re just friends and look how happy they are. It’s a hell of a lot better than what I have right now._ Maybe Dean’s also right, when he says he keeps expecting Alexa to just be the same girl she was, but he’s constantly being reminded that she’s not. Maybe he should wait and see how whatever they have goes. He can take it slow. Then her last date pops into the process again. That was an awesome idea. He imagines taking her and spending hours looking for books the other hasn’t already read. Maybe they could have a theme each time. Okay, so maybe thinking up a month’s worth of date ideas isn’t going slow. This is so much harder than just walking across the hall and kissing her senseless. But that would be wrong, so he won’t do that. Instead he’ll lay here and think about all the things he can’t do, like fall asleep while holding her again.


End file.
